Close To You
by Lunaschild2016
Summary: It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn't need to be wondering about the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He definitely didn't need to keep finding ways just to be close to her. AU, M
1. Part 1

**A/N: So here is the first chapter of Eric's POV for Belief. This will be slow to update as I am going to post as I get them written, which might have some time in between chapters. Thank you, everyone who has been with me on this journey from the beginning. I really appreciate it. Hope you enjoy!**

* * *

 **Title and inspiration from** ** _Close To You_** **by Maxi Priest**

 **Character Inspiration and face claims:**

 **Devi Nunez: Diane Guerrero**

 **Eric Coulter: Jai Courtney**

 **Elijah Coulter: Alexander Skarsgård**

* * *

 **Devi and Eric's story** continues **, but this time we see things from Eric's eyes. It was her belief in him that sparked them finally coming together, but where did it really start for Eric? The life of a childhood sweetheart, conspiracies, and the fate of the city all hung over his head. He didn't need to be wondering about the tiny amity with fire in her eyes and a mouth to match. He didn't need to worry and wonder about how he could find a way to just be close to her**.

* * *

 ** _She had an attitude I can't explain_**

 ** _You never know if you're in flame_**

 ** _Tying me up with elastic words_**

 ** _I'm on a countdown till I get hurt_**

 ** _Her blood was hot she burned so bright_**

 ** _A neon sign there in the night_**

 ** _It's hard to say if I went too far_**

 ** _My heart still bares the scar_**

 ** _I just want to be close to you_**

 ** _And do all the things you want me to_**

 ** _I just want to be close to you (I just want to be close to you, baby)_**

 ** _And show you the way I feel_**

 ** _[Close To You; Maxi Priest]_**

* * *

 **Part 1**

"What's wrong with her?" I ask for what feels like the hundredth time since I stepped foot into the shit hole that Dauntless calls a clinic.

Once again I watch the nurses flutter around the girl on the bed, clucking like hens and completely ignoring me.

I run a hand through my hair and restrain myself from punching something or someone in frustration but I can't completely restrain my impatience at being ignored.

That's not something I'm willing to stand for, initiate status or not.

"Will someone tell me what the fuck is wrong with her!" I move up to stand right in front of one of the nurses that have stepped away from the bed and loom over her.

She's wearing blue scrubs, meaning she's from Erudite and most likely the one person in this place that's actually fully qualified to have the title I see on her little badge clipped to her uniform.

"Eric Coulter, right?" She eyes me like a hawk and I feel irritation coursing through me. For a second, I also wonder if she's one of Jeanine's plants in Dauntless. That's dismissed when she gives a strained smile. "You look a bit like your brother. I work with him from time to time. He mentioned your coming here."

I narrow my eyes, not returning her smile and look past her to the girl still laying on the bed, motioning with my hand in her direction. "What's her status?"

Candice, the name indicated on her badge, bristles at being ignored but answers me through thinned lips. "I have to call someone in to evaluate her, but we are drawing blood for tests and monitoring her until then."

I look back at her and hesitate, wondering why the hell I'm getting involved and why I didn't just leave the Amity girl in her dorm bed for someone else to deal with.

"You said you work with, Dr. Coulter?" I asked with appraising eyes, watching her closely.

"I do."

"Then you won't mind working with him again now, will you?"

I have no real power here in Dauntless. Not yet anyway. If I was making this same order to someone wearing black, I'm sure I would be sent away with a sharp reprimand no matter how intimidating I know I can be.

But Candice is Erudite and I have power there. My name is known. If Candice is a plant of Jeanine's she'll do as I say but report it back to her. If she isn't, she'll still do as I say.

Because, as much as I might despise it and have wanted to leave all that shit behind, I rank higher than her in their hierarchy. No matter if I wear black now, to them, I will always have true ' _blue blood_ ' running through my veins.

As expected she gives me a curt nod before moving off hurriedly. The other nurse wearing black gives me a look before following, and then it's just me and the girl on the bed.

My fists clench to the sides of my body as I scowl down at her.

I hate that she's made me care enough to step in and use my name for something when I promised I would get leadership on my own, no matter how much Jeanine tried to throw her weight around.

I hate that I'm thinking about anything or anyone else besides what I came here to do and who I'm doing it for.

 _Jules._

The thought of her has tightness in my chest that's growing tighter the longer I look at this stupid tiny girl laying in the bed.

She's not Jules. There's no doubt about that.

Jules is tall and graceful with a smile that can infect even the snootiest of Erudite.

Jules who prefers dresses and ridiculous hats. I never have been able to figure out how she gets them all, and most of them are so ridiculous in order to get a rise out of me.

Jules who has always been able to make me laugh even when I'm in the worst fucking mood and even my brother can't stand to be around me.

Jules who can sweetly cut a person to pieces and still leave them wondering if she was complimenting them or telling them to fuck off.

Jules, the best person I have ever known and the one I really want to save.

When I look at the amity girl, that's who I see.

Jules is who I should be with. I should be there helping her and holding her hand or trying to make her laugh, but I'm not and it pisses me off.

Because coming to Dauntless was more important than the girl I love.

"You better not die," I mutter angrily while glaring at the girl on the bed.

The whispered angry words won't reach the real target, who I'm really saying them to. But I realize with some surprise that I also do mean them for the girl laying on the bed in front of me.

I turn on my heel and rush out of the clinic as fast as I will allow myself to be seen rushing anywhere. I make it to the training room corridor where control bursts away from me and I sprint into the room looking for something, anything, to make the tightness in my chest go away.

* * *

My brother is _not_ who I expected to see standing behind the door of the office I was summoned to just before dinner but I can't say the dread I had been feeling gets any better when I do see him.

If anything, it actually gets worse.

He's standing at the end of a long conference table, hunched over papers and a tablet as I close the door quietly behind me. His presence makes me nervous as hell and I feel slightly sick to my stomach.

All I can think is something's happened with Jules.

Elijah looks up at the sound of the door clicking shut and his eyes narrow as they take me in. I know he's doing a snap evaluation, trying to determine a million things in the space of seconds so I won't get upset about him fussing over me.

Even with all the recent strain on our relationship, Elijah remains the person I know I can count on most to truly care about me and how I'm doing. Even when I do my damndest to drive him and his affection away.

"Jules?" I ask, stepping forward and forgoing all greetings.

Elijah straightens and comes forward as well. I watch him carefully.

I never fuss over him the way he always did over me, like a parent rather than a brother, but I have always tried to watch out for him too. I see the tiredness etched into the way he holds himself and his face. Eyes so similar to mine that have never been able to mask his emotions from showing the way I do.

He smiles tiredly at me and motions with his hands as he speaks. "Jules is doing fine. She told me to tell you that you better be 'kicking ass and taking names'." He chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. "She also says hello and that we miss you."

I sag a little in relief and nod while clearing my throat that has become thick with emotion. "Tell her I say, same and you bet your ass I am." He gives me a smile and nod at my response and motions to a chair to sit. I do while throwing out my next question. "So, why am I here?"

"Well, given that you broke protocol and summoned me here, I thought you might want to know what's going on with the girl, Devanna, I believe is her name,"

"Devi," I correct him gruffly then frown at myself for caring enough to make the correction. Eli doesn't say anything, just lifts an eyebrow and looks at his paper before correcting his notes.

"Devi." He says with a nod.

"So what's wrong with her? It's been a day since I took her to the clinic, so it isn't her just having a cold or something simple like that."

The first day she had been smiling with enerving energy that just seemed to radiate from her. I almost thought she was going to explode from it there on the train. Even when she was panting and huffing from the climb and run to get on.

As the day wore on the smile faded and she withdrew. Some of the other initiates seemed to thrive on putting her down for anything and everything. Her old faction, her height, her accent...anything really.

Mostly this was other girls. The guys just dismissed or ignored her. Like I have been trying to do.

It was clear after the first night that something was going on with her but no one knew what. I wrote her off by the time we were going to sleep that first night. I just didn't see her making it. Here we are at the end of the week and I don't see that changing. I'm pretty sure that's what my brother is going to tell me, that she's done.

Once again, I'm cursing myself for not just letting it go and risking myself as I did. Especially now that I know it had been for nothing, because she's gone anyways.

Then I remember why I ignored all logic and reason. I remember how I felt that night and what prompted me to take her. How small she was in my arms as I carried her through halls, trying not to race along them but feeling a sense of urgency I didn't really understand.

She was moaning, almost deliriously, but not responding to anyone that was yelling at her to shut up in the dorm that night.

I laid there not saying anything to the others. though I wanted to so badly. To tell them all to leave her the hell alone. Then she went silent and I waited for something, some other sign from her that she was going to be okay.

The others around us were going to sleep, no problem, but I couldn't. Her silence was deafening to me. I could have left her there and had tried to talk myself into doing just that. Until something made me go check on her and before I even got close I could feel the heat coming off her.

She was whispering something, so faint I could barely hear her until I crouched down beside her. Her eyes opened and they were glazed, she winced away from me and whimpered pitifully but she kept muttering. I leaned in even further and she reached out to grip my arm, and I could finally hear the broken pleading in Spanish.

" _Por favor, no ... por favor ... Tuve que irme, abuela. Tuve que ... por favor no me odies."_

I don't know what it was about her words. Her pleading for her grandmother to not hate her. To understand she had to leave. They weren't some big revelation, I'm sure all of us felt that to some degree. Worried we are leaving someone behind that will be hurt or hate us for the choice.

It wasn't so much the words themselves but the way she said them. How strong two of them were, how firm and how much fire was in them as she whispered them out over and over again.

 _Had to._

As if her life was in jeopardy if she didn't go. If she didn't follow her heart.

That was something Jules would do. She followed her heart and come hell or high water she would see it through. No matter the risk.

Did Devi know how much she was putting her life at risk just by choosing Dauntless? Did she even think about how she was nothing like a Dauntless should be in all the physical ways that matter?

But I was thinking like an Erudite with those questions. A Dauntless, a true Dauntless, wouldn't care about any of that. They would just know there was no other choice. Just like Devi did.

Something inside me broke open for her right then and she wedged herself into a spot that I have hardened to all but two people in my life. Now I don't know how to make that go away. Tightness starts to creep up on me again, my chest itches and I reach up to rub the spot but jerk my hand back down and look at Eli.

"Some of the others are saying she has the plague or something."

Asinine.

I know better, and from his look at me, he knows I know better. His lips quirk in amusement and he shakes his head.

"We both know better than that. She is sick but it isn't terminal…" He pauses and winces before his eyes filled with pain and he lets out a shaky breath then continues while I eye him and carefully mask my own pain "...but it won't be pleasant for her in the least."

I nod slowly. "So what is it?"

"Her body is expelling poison and it's anything but painless."

"Poison?" I almost shout the question and interrupt him.

Eli holds a hand up to me, a calming motion. "Peace Serum, Eric. You're aware that Amity regularly imbibes in it, but it seems that her case is extreme. We are talking about a lifetime of daily exposure at high levels. Her body doesn't know how to function without it anymore."

I scowl in disbelief wondering how that's possible and who in their right minds would purposely do this to themselves. But he said a lifetime, so does that mean even when she was really young?

I wave that away mentally and with my hand as well. "So what does that mean? She can't continue can she?"

Eli shrugs and sighs before dropping his pen and leaning back in his chair casually.

"That will be up to her ultimately, but she's already waved away the normal method of treatment. I can't say I blame her. That would have meant removal from training for at least a week if not more depending on how extreme the treatment needed to be. Leadership has already said if that was the case then she was out with no other options available. I was near when the nurse gave her the options and she automatically turned the treatment down, already guessing that it meant she wouldn't be continuing treatment. She's staying and will let it purge from her system as naturally as possible."

"So she's going to go through initiation while going in withdrawal?" I mutter and look at the table while trying to deny how much that disturbs me especially knowing what I do about how withdrawal patients are treated.

There aren't many cases where someone gets addicted to substances like I know there was pre-war and the drugs that were common are all but nonexistent for us now. But there are cases where someone gets addicted to the ones we do have and there are even cases where someone synthesizes a substance and then gets hooked on it themselves.

When this happens, the person is isolated and then their system is purged with a cleansing drug. Tests are run to determine how their body is handling the purge and if anything is still off then they are treated appropriately. It can take weeks if not months to treat some of the severe cases my brother has told me about and that's just from a biological standpoint. Even after he gets done with them they still have much more to look forward to psychologically.

I don't know if I can spend another night watching her suffer like she has been the last few nights. Now knowing what I do, it's just bound to get worse and I can't fucking handle that. "Why give her the choice at all? Why not just send her back to Amity!"

I look up at him when he makes a grunt and I realize that I spoke that out loud. My frustration is coming through loud and clear.

He leans forward with a frown of disapproval on his face. "You know very well they're going to send her straight to the factionless, not back to Amity. I know you might not care for…"

"I don't!" I'm breathing hard and rubbing my chest while looking around wildly. "I can't!"

Elijah's beside me suddenly and I didn't even realize he moved until I feel his hands guiding me until my head is between my legs and he is coaching me through my breathing.

When I feel like I've gotten ahold of myself, I take the glass of water he hands me and avoid looking at him as I drink it.

I feel like a fucking kid again. Like when I used to have these same kinds of episodes after repressing feelings for so long until they boiled out and over. Elijah always tells me that trying to go through life so emotionally cut off isn't healthy and I know he's headed towards another lecture of that kind.

"Are you going to gloat now and say I told you so?" I ask him sourly when I look at him again.

"Have I ever done that?" I can hear the hurt in his tone but don't respond. If I do I'm just going to end up saying something else hurtful.

I always do.

For being a so-called fucking genius, according to my old faction, I'm useless when it comes to anything resembling social graces. I learned early on that honesty is not the best policy for me. Silence is.

"Eric," He says softly and leans forward, his arms on his knees and head bowed, "It's okay to care about people. To open yourself to caring for someone."

I sneer at him as I scoff, unable to remain silent, hard as I might have tried. "Sure it is. 'Cause that's worked out so well for me in the past, hasn't it, brother?"

He looks up and I see the pain radiating in his eyes. I know my anger and words are opening up a wound we're still trying to heal between us. That's kinda hard to do when I've refused to talk any more about it.

"I can't apologize for the way we both feel, Eric and I won't. You two love each deeply other and that's never going to change. What you two have is still there and it will always be there. It's also different then what she and I have, and that has always been the case too, but it doesn't make what you two share any less powerful."

I nod and look away, gripping the glass tightly between my hands as my jaw clenches together. "But that wasn't enough for me to stay, was it? I love her _so much_ I left her when she needed me most. It just proves what I've always thought."

I shrug and look back at him, knowing his next question but also needing him to ask it. Needing to expel it from me just like the little amity is doing right now with her own poison. He's right I need to talk about this shit. I haven't been able to until now.

I need to get this all out of my system so I can go back to not feeling at all. Then maybe I can get rid of this new sensation for a girl that has no chance of sticking around.

"What's that?" Eli prods me softly.

"That I'm not capable of loving anyone but myself. I don't care who it hurts in the end, as long as I get what I want."

Elijah rolls his chair closer to me, his blue eyes that are normally filled with warmth are burning with intensity.

"I want to listen to me and listen well. You are not our parents and you have never even come close to them. You could never allow yourself to be like them."

I listen but I can't believe the words. I've never been able to believe the words. No matter how many times my brother has tried to reassure me of this over the years since our parents all but abandoned us.

His features soften and he smiles at me. "Yeah, you have the habit of pushing all your feelings aside and acting like they don't exist, but you can never get rid of them. Which is why things like earlier happen. Because, it's never been that you don't and can't care or love, Eric. It's that when you do, it's all or nothing for you. Bone deep love is what Jules has always called it. You left, not because you don't love Jules but because you know that nothing will ever take that love away from you. Not even being in another faction. You said those same words to me when you came to me that night and gave us your blessing. It was something I already knew, but it was also something you had to realize for yourself and one day you're going to find someone that you love just as deeply but in the it's meant to be."

I jerk my head in a semblance of a nod, not bothering to reply how I'm feeling.

I've forgiven Eli for taking Jules from me, well, mostly forgiven him anyway. What he says is true, I did come to see that how I love her and how Eli does, they aren't the same. It's just that in my mind that doesn't really matter.

It still hurt and that wasn't something I cared to open myself to again. I loved her but it hadn't been enough. End of story.

He pulls back and I breathe a little easier when I realize he's dropping the subject. Eli leans back in his chair and clears his throat.

"How's training going?"

"Fairly good, although there was a surprise when it came to finding out how many fears we all have."

Eli frowns at me. "Did your amount change?"

I shake my head with a scowl and look off. "No, it's still nine. Which should have been the lowest fucking number among the group."

"I take it someone is lower?."

"Yeah. Four of them. The asshole even changed his name to the number of his fears." My scowl gets deeper when I think of the scrawny Abnegation that's causing me more uncertainty than he should be. "He's a concern. I've heard some leaders and trainers saying they're impressed by him. Rankings haven't been posted since training just got in full swing, but I think we're neck and neck for first. I'm pretty sure I got him beat in physical, and I don't foresee fights being a problem, but the scoring percentage for the other stages is a serious concern with his number of fears."

Eli taps his chin thoughtfully. "That's an extremely low number. What faction is he from?"

I know where my brother's train of thought has gone and I can't say I didn't immediately think the same when I found out Tobias Eaton's number of fears. In fact, I've been giving a lot of thought to it and what I can do to remove the threat it poses to me.

"Abnegation," I remark dryly and see him wince.

"It's the Eaton kid?"

"Yes."

"Shit." Eli curses with a grimace then looks at me worriedly. "I know what you're thinking, Eric, but don't do anything you're going to have to live with the rest of your life. You know what they will do to him."

I shoot up out of my chair and pace around the room. "It's not like I have a choice here, Elijah. You know what's expected of me. At some point, I'm going to be expected to have results for them."

"That's what they expect. But when have you ever done what those pricks in our faction expect of you?" Eli demands from me fiercely.

"You know why I even bothered to give their offer a second chance. Jules needs this, Elijah. _This is how I save her_. What does it matter if I turn over some fucking stiff that means nothing to me? Especially if it gets them off my back and me first?"

"Is that really how you want to get your position here? By taking out someone that might be stronger than you?"

I grit my teeth as out the cursed denial, and glare icily at him, giving him exactly the reaction he wants even though I know exactly what the hell he's doing by throwing that out there.

I call it manipulation and he would say he's being my own Jiminy fucking Cricket

"How do you think this is making Jules feel, knowing what they want in exchange for her life? Jules knows you as well as I do and I know in your mind you're already justifying it, telling yourself that any exchange for her would be worth it but how far do you go down that road, Eric?"

The tightness starts again and I let out a growl, spinning away from him and towards a wall. I feel like punching someone and Eli is the only one in sight. "Don't bring her name into this like some kind of weapon against me."

I want to punch walls but know we're already shouting and that will draw attention we can't afford. We are risking so much already. I stop in the middle of carrying out my need to hit something in anger and just lean my hands against the wall and hang my head.

"I don't have a lot of options here," I whisper tiredly.

"No, not a lot, but you do have a few. Eric, we know they're afraid of you taking the power they covet so much. There was a reason for this and maybe what we need to do is to show them why they were right in fearing you."

I slowly turn towards him, my mind working double time as my eyes narrow. He waits patiently as I process this, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I'll need help. Contacts that I know we can trust or that we can get leverage on to make sure they stay in line."

"I've already started working on that. Jules too."

I want to protest that, not wanting her involved but I know it would be pointless. They made me promise there would be no secrets and that I had to let them help in any way they could if I made this deal.

I gave a stiff nod and then looked at my watch. "I need to get going if I am going to get some dinner before lights out."

He gives me a strained smile and nods but I see the hesitation. His internal debate and wondering if I will reject his show of affection or not. I step forward and put out a hand which he takes and grips tightly, his hand around my forearm while mine is around his. This is the form of a hug he came up with when I stopped wanting them years ago.

He smiles at me while we still hold firmly. Eli promises to make it for visiting day and that he should have contacts for me soon. We also share words of parting, mostly jokes that have been thrown around between the three of us of what I planned to do once I finally made it to Dauntless. They aren't as carefree as they once were before our recent falling out, but it does hint that we can get there again given time.

When I go to leave he calls my name one last time and stands there looking serious and worried. "About the girl,"

"What about her?" I ask with a frown.

"I know it goes against what I was saying earlier about opening up and all," He runs a hand through his hair with one hand and shoves the other in his pocket with the other. "But you need to stay away from her, for now."

I let all expression fall away from my face and tilt my head. "Not that I see it being a problem for me at all, especially considering she isn't going to last the week, but why? Does Jeanine know I called you in?"

He shakes his head while I can tell he is warring with wanting to admonish me about my callousness and wanting me to heed his warning for whatever reason. "No. Candice isn't in Jeanine's circle and wouldn't want to be anyways. Something about a friend of hers that went missing or something. So Jeanine doesn't know I was called in from her, but that doesn't mean she might not find out from some other source. This girl, she might not actually mean anything to you, but Jeanine is crazy enough to grasp for anything that she can use to sink her claws in you even deeper."

I feel bile rising up my throat at that but maintain my dead tone and a blank expression. "Like I said, it won't be an issue."

He responds with a resigned nod and I'm out of the door quickly after that making for the mess hall. Most of the other initiates had already grabbed food and headed for the dorm which was a relief since I didn't want to have to deal with them. I ate quickly even though I wasn't in a rush to get back to the dorm myself. Something about the activity around me and watching everyone go about their lives helped calm me.

Gave me the headspace to think and plan.

Elijah was right about handing the stiff over, it wasn't something I wanted to do. I didn't want to win my place here that way just like I didn't want to have a bit of influence from Jeanine on the leaders to sway them either. In fact, I bluntly told her that was one of the conditions of my acceptance to work with her.

I also know without a shadow of a doubt that if turning number boy over saved Jules, even by way of securing my position, then I would do it and not even blink. If I had to carry that stain on me for the rest of my life I would for her.

The decisions, resolutions really, make me feel lighter. It eases some of the anxiousness I was feeling that I have a solid plan and course of action.

I even find myself talking to a few of the members at the table of the mess hall. I pick at the slice of cake one of the guys shoved at me and listen to them all bullshit with each other, but mostly I just observe things.

I see the stiff slipping from the mess hall, pulling in on himself to try and go unseen like he's done from the first.

I watch the leaders as they look down at their noses from up on the balcony. Talking among themselves and hardly ever interacting with anyone else. But they're watching, always watching, to make sure their bidding is being done even if it will lead the faction straight into war.

Max seems to be the one that I'll have to be the most careful about. I can feel his eyes on zeroed in on me, watching and judging me. Even here when I'm eating dinner like everyone else.

I shift my focus and try to casually look to see if my suspicions are right when I see something out of the corner of my eye.

A small figure hunched over her plate at an empty table far in the back and cast in shadows it's so out of the way. The tightness in my chest starts to creep back in and I jerk my eyes away, remembering my conversation with my brother.

I know I shouldn't feel anything but seeing her is a relief. 'Cause at least I know she's alright.

So I'll keep away, but I already know I won't be able to stop myself from watching.


	2. Part 2

**A/N: Well this has taken me longer than I thought it would but I hope you guys enjoy regardless. Hopefully, the next part won't be as long.**

 **Disclaimer: I own naught but own plot and the cherry bombs I toss within...Oh and Devi. She's all mine.**

* * *

 **Part 2**

The buzzing of the tattoo gun is hypnotic. Combined with the sensation that the needle piercing my skin brings, I'm drifting into another zone. My head is laid back against the leather headrest and my eyes are half-closed. It's a state of relaxation that seems ridiculous considering what's being done to my skin at the moment. But that's exactly what this is for me.

Relaxing.

I hadn't believed Ronin, a Dauntless-born that I've made friends with when he claimed that tattoos are addicting. His skin is already riddled with them and he seems to be the most tatted up guy among the bunch of Dauntless-born in our year. So, I just thought that particular opinion wasn't common going by that information.

I scoffed at my friend the same way I had at Jules when she teased me about being covered in ink from head to toe the next time she saw me. Now I'm not sure they weren't right about that.

The thing is, out of everything that Dauntless has on offer to help me unwind, this is the one place that I've truly been able to.

Drinking is all well and good, but I don't drink to get shit faced. Besides most of the crap they have here for mass consumption, and what us lowly initiates can afford, could strip paint it's so strong.

Hooking up seems to be another favorite way to pass the time here. I would've thought initiates would find slim pickings for that, but apparently, we're all considered _fresh meat_. It's not like my body isn't all for it but my head is all kinds of messed up right now and getting involved with anything like that isn't a priority for me.

The first couple of weeks here I had more difficulty with learning how to deal with this after my usual glares and silent treatment had no effect. Until Ronin came along and was happy to take any action off my hands that I didn't want. I definitely got some shit from him about that, but I played it off as me being too focused on finishing initiation and getting the first rank. I guess that was believable enough because he stopped giving me shit as much and seemed to pass the word around. I stopped having so many women coming onto me.

The other forms of blowing off some steam were all found in the bars and entailed either dancing or fighting. One, I wouldn't be caught dead doing, and the other isn't something I'm _allowed_ to do.

Entertainment fights are off-limits to all initiates from actually fighting in. I can watch them all I want, but what's the fucking point of that? So, the only real kind of release I wanted at the moment is denied to me.

Which brings me to the tattoos.

I hadn't planned on getting anything done, tattoos or piercings, until I'm actually a member. I kept to that plan for the first month and a half that I've been here so far. But as of three weeks ago, that got shot to hell.

That's all my little one's fault.

 _Devi_.

Against all odds, predictions, and everything going against her, the girl's still here. Still here tormenting me, but she doesn't have a clue about that. Honestly, I doubt she even knows I exist. That fact still hasn't stopped me from watching her. That's how I knew that she now spends every day after training until just before lights out at the tattoo parlor. And that's what also drew me here for the first time.

Really, I'm not sure when it started for her. Devi seems to be even better at slinking around unseen than fucking Four. While Four has at least has made friends with a Dauntless-born in our class named Zeke Pedrad, Devi talks to nobody and no one talks to her either, at least not in a pleasant kind of way.

The first week here she kept silent, even when the others started in on her, but as time went on her keeping silent went away. Now she doesn't hesitate to give them back as good as they're giving her. She might not win many physical fights, but I've seen her cut a few of the girls to pieces with her words before she storms away, looking like she's barely able to hold herself back from getting physical.

I know, since I know what's really going on with her that some of her fight and loss of temper is from her withdrawal. A common side effect of detoxing is mood changes, but I'm guessing with what she was on and for how long she was on it, it's even worse. Everything that I've been able to find out about that shit is bad news.

I got access to a tablet shortly after my brother letting me know what's going on with her. I couldn't help myself.

Ronin's got a brother who works in a high enough position that he's given a tablet and managed to borrow it for me for a few days. Enough time for me to pull up any information I could find on the most commonly used serums in Amity. They have two main serums and several others that used but not as frequently. All of them are mood and behavior-altering, but Peace serum is the worst of the lot since it's actually a combination of a few of them.

Out of all the substances that Erudite has come in contact with, peace serum has been the most damaging and dangerous to break a person from. Which is kind of fucking ironic considering that Amity is all about doing no harm and all that other hippie nonsense.

The serum is composed of several different serums in higher dosages and it forces the person to be calm and happy, as well as being very open to suggestions. Any negative thoughts or feelings are pushed away completely, and they don't have to cope with those things either. Devi was on a lifetime of the shit. A lifetime of never having a bad or negative feeling means that she also never learned to cope with any of that.

Things learned and experienced during puberty were completely suppressed and that can't be a cakewalk for her to suddenly be feeling all at once. I don't blame her one bit for keeping far away from anyone and everyone. It doesn't help that the other initiates' behavior has actually gotten worse when she does have to be around them.

I think it pisses them off and offends them that she isn't just hanging on by the skin of her teeth, but actually improving. Devi is a fighter, through and through even if physically she doesn't look it. She's shit at fights, there's no doubt about that. More times than not she has to be helped or carried off the mat, bleeding and hurt.

That's been complete fucking hell to watch when it happens.

I still have a few more weeks of fights before the end of the first stage. Thank fuck we aren't expected to fight every day. They do at least space them out and alternate activities to allow our bodies to recover a bit. But I'm counting down the days until the second stage starts and we won't be expected to do much more than making sure we're keeping up with workouts while we are doing whatever else they have planned for us.

So far, I haven't had the match up I dread most, being put against Devi. Internally I've been hoping like hell that luck will hold out and I don't get put against her. Based on a few things I overheard when Amar was talking with a couple of the leaders on the day they deigned to make an appearance and check on us, I think there's a good chance I won't have to.

They were discussing fights and how everyone is doing. I heard one of them ask Amar about the Amity girl in a condescending tone, probably expecting to get a few laughs at how poorly she's doing or at least some kind of smart-ass comment back from Amar in agreement of how unsuited she is for Dauntless.

What he got instead was what I felt deep inside of me that night I carried her to the clinic.

' _If all of our people had as much fire as that girl does, then there would be nothing stopping our faction. That little girl might not look it, but I tell you she's all Dauntless.'_

She's a true Dauntless and it shows, which is why I think the others are so hacked off at her. The tiny girl from the faction of peace lovers is making all of them look like fools with how they grumble and complain or try to worm their way out of their next match after being on the receiving end of a beating.

Not Devi though.

She leaves that mat a bloody mess and turns back up for her next fight with a fierce look on her face and little fists clenched at her sides. She doesn't blink, no matter how unevenly matched the fights are, and she refuses to concede even when she's being pulverized.

I can't count how many times I've watched her refuse to tap out and have to be knocked out instead, or a trainer calls the match before some real or permanent damage can be done.

Amar let both Max and Oliver know this very fact. Then I heard them discussing future pairings. Max had been all for seeing how she would do against a higher-ranked fighter and would've pushed for that happening until Amar let him know that one of her previous matches was against Four. That satisfied their bloodlust but it only inflamed mine against the stiff.

He was all apologies and reluctant looks before the fight, but once he got in there he didn't seem to have any problem landing more than a few punches that made her bleed. Then there had been how he finished her off by locking her in a hold until she passed out all while she struggled and screamed her rage at him before finally the fire in her eyes dimmed and she was out.

That image fucking haunts me and I'll never forgive either of them for it, but the stiff especially. I've just been waiting to get a little payback when my time comes to face off against him.

For some reason, all of the leaders seem hesitant to make that happen right now. I'm not sure if it's because there's obvious enmity on my side or what, but it's been pissing me off that the one match I'm looking forward to most isn't happening.

"Let's take a break. I need a smoke." Bud, the tattoo artist currently working on me grumbles out drawing my attention back to what I'm in the middle of.

"Okay," I say with a shrug and remain in the chair while Bud puts the gun up and clears a few things before moving off towards the back and behind a curtain that Tori, the other tattoo artist just disappeared behind in a hurry.

I watch him for a second wondering why he's going to the backroom for his smoke break when the other times he usually goes to stand outside of the parlor. With another shrug of dismissal, I look down and inspect the work done so far.

I now have two tattoos and after Bud comes back it'll be three. The first is the smallest and is about the size of my fist. The placement for that one is at the top of my spine and is a riff of the Erudite symbol combined with the Eye of Horus in an all-black tribal style of tattoo.

The two I'm getting worked on right now cover the forearm on both of my arms and are a combination of black and rust color. I wanted something geometric and found a maze design on their wall of art so that is mainly what the design is made up of, broken only by the interjection of various symbols.

The design for all of my tattoos have been me telling Bud and Tori what I wanted and then them coming up with something. Tori suggested I stick with using things that look like the Egyptian symbol from my first tattoo for the ones on my arms, so that's what we did. Bud let me use his tablet and I spent a little bit of time searching the archives on the network. I eventually found some others I liked but from other old-world cultures. They all run along the same lines of meaning that the Eye of Horus has. Strength, Power, Health, and Wisdom. There are a few others that I put on there that are things I hope to work towards. I let my fingers trace the arm Bud has done so far, taking in how the reimagined design melds into the tribal style.

Sounds from the back area distract me and pique my curiosity, especially when I clearly heard a particular name being mentioned. It has me easing out of the chair and sliding towards the curtained off area. I didn't step through but I stayed close and pretended to be looking at some of the flash on the wall there.

"She should go get checked out in the clinic at the very least."

"She's not going to do that anymore than she's going to report the attack, Bud. I don't blame her with the way shit's been going around here. They're not going to do anything to the girls that did this and she says it would just make her more of a target with the other initiates."

"Maybe I should go find them and have a few words with them then."

"Don't go doing anything stupid. Besides, Devi says she gave them as good as she got. You just go back out there and finish with that nose's tattoo. I don't feel comfortable having him in the shop longer than is needed. "

"Still don't trust him?"

"I don't trust anyone, Bud. Especially someone from that faction. Not after George."

There is rustling behind the curtain and I know I won't make it back to the chair, so I slide further down the wall and think about the shit I've just heard while I try to look like I'm just checking out the art on the wall.

Bud comes out just seconds later, looks at the chair and sees me not in it then swings his eyes around to find me. He narrows his eyes for just a second before he smirks and motions with his head towards the chair and turns to walk towards it himself.

I follow behind him casually and work to keep my composure. It's a hard thing to do when I just want to leave here and go find whoever the cowards are that hurt Devi. Luckily, Bud doesn't seem to realize where my mind is headed right now and he doesn't press to talk.

He finishes my arm, seeming to work much faster than normal because before I know it, he's wiping it clean and about to start smoothing the lotion that will prevent scabbing and heal the area.

"There you go, all finished." He pronounces with a nod then turns to start cleaning up his gun.

I sit there inspecting the work and contemplating saying something or not to him but think better of it. I don't know what I'm going to do when I find the girls and I don't know Bud to trust him either.

I don't spare another glance at him as I take care of paying for today's session then walk out into the compound.

* * *

Jocelyn and Portia.

I should have known it would be those two. They were complete bitches in Erudite and Dauntless just seems to have enhanced that. They've been the worst of the girls and relentless in their insults towards Devi.

It took some investigating and me bribing Ronin to get access to the cameras but I was able to find out that Devi was attacked sometime after we were dismissed on Friday, which was shortly after lunch, and just after dinner. With there being no training scheduled for Saturday or Sunday, the initiates all scattered and it took scanning camera feeds to track everyone down. Not that the piss poor quality of most of the cameras made it easy but at least I was able to narrow down the likely suspects and eliminate them as I was able to pick them up. The only two I couldn't find were Jocelyn and Portia. I was able to confirm with Candice in the clinic that they stumbled in late Friday evening.

Technically we aren't supposed to be sleeping anywhere but the dorm. Leadership doesn't really care enough to have anyone enforce that rule. So the Dauntless-born will generally go back to wherever they were living before initiation started or with friends. The transfers either found members to bunk in with or stumbled in for a few hours sleep before heading back out to party again.

I've had a lot of time to figure out what to do but what I decided on is nowhere near where I started at. Especially when Devi made an appearance at lunch yesterday, Saturday.

Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't already been injured pretty badly from her last fight. With what she got during that fight and then the attack, I get why Bud was insisting she go to the clinic to get checked out. It took every bit of restraint and a few long hours of staring off into the Chasm to calm down instead of hunting them and throwing them into those raging waters.

The entire time, I heard Eli and Jules in my head, cautioning me to play it smart and not lose my cool. Warning me not to do something that would put my position here at risk, to not put Devi at risk, any further than we already are.

It's been two days since they attacked Devi and one since I found out it was them. I've been biding my time and last night, after those two were returning to the dorm from wherever they holed up at, I happened to run into them and shared a few words.

So, how did I get even with those two cowards? By promising to make their lives absolute fucking nightmares. By using every Erudite tactic to mess with their minds that I know. To have them jumping at shadows afraid to even breathe wrong around me for fear that the veiled threats I've made will be carried out.

You see, those two were in Erudite with me and they at least know or suspect my involvement with Jeanine. Even if they don't know about that, they at least know my personal reputation. I wasn't known as a very nice guy to people that I found beneath me. I've made it clear that they are very beneath me and not fit to be at Dauntless, and one way or another, Dauntless will weed out the weak.

Now, I wait. And I will reinforce that message as many times as it takes for them to cut their losses and get out while their ahead, before the little conscious I have fades altogether.

This isn't about Devi. This about what I can allow in my faction and what I can't.

At least, that's what I'm telling myself.

* * *

"I know you did something to them." The tone is low and is probably supposed to be threatening, but I just find it irritating and ridiculous.

I knew there was a reason the damn stiff has been sticking to my side for the last few days. I've been waiting for him to get the balls to actually confront me on it. I didn't think he would, but of course, he picks just before we're about to face off against each other in our fight to start something.

I don't respond, instead, I just try and focus on what's ahead of me. Besides, it seems like my tactic of ignoring him seems to be grating and riling him up a little.

Maybe I can get him unfocused enough.

It seems to work because I can tell Four is losing all that carefully bottled up anger he likes to pretend isn't inside of him before he launches into his next accusations.

That he saw how I was always hounding and sniffing around Jocelyn and Portia.

 _Hounding and sniffing? Really stiff?_

I barely ' _ran'_ into them a few times while they were traveling along some fairly dark and unstable hallways. It's not my fault they weren't watching where they were running to, even if they were trying to avoid me at the time.

He saw all those looks I kept giving the two girls and knows I was up to something with them.

 _No shit Sherlock, you've already covered that, move along._

At this point, I'm amused and probably doing a piss poor job keeping that from showing. Not so much at his words but how flustered he seems to be getting about it all.

He starts throwing out insults at me, calling me names that he thinks will offend me but honestly, how am I supposed to get offended at someone calling me a ruthless bastard? That's a fucking compliment in my book.

When that doesn't work he changes things up and goes for an accusation that has me losing all my cool, all my amusement, and it just pisses me off even further that I'm letting him get to me.

His accusation that assaulted them.

This was very fucking fortunate timing because it was about then that Amar called us both onto the mat.

I think I hear Amar saying something low enough where just the two of us can hear as we both glared at each other hatefully. I think he might be trying to tell us to keep things clean but there so fucking chance of that.

Number boy wanted to get dirty and I'm all too eager to oblige.


	3. Part 3

**Part 3**

It's visiting day.

People are all over the Pit in various stages of celebration or being happy to see each other, but not me. The only reason I didn't have Amar refuse my visitors was that there of the chance Jules would be with my brother. As soon as I saw he was alone I wanted to turn back around and walk back into my dorm.

Then I remember that the fucking stiff is still in there and thought better of it.

"Where's Jules?"

Those are the first words out of my mouth as I walk up to my brother. Elijah does his normal inspection of me but I know he could see the shape I'm in before I even reached him and I know I'm looking like I got my ass handed to me. I'm just not ready to let him know that's exactly what happened.

It's bad enough that I lost my undefeated record in fights, but that I lost it to the fucking stiff is even worse.

"She wanted to be here but with her immune system being so low and that new strain of flu going around she was advised against it. She sends you her love though, and wanted me to tell you not to worry about her."

I scoff at that last part and just barely manage not to make a snarky remark back. I know they want me to keep focused on initiation and not worry about them, but that's not possible with what's going on with Jules. There was so little information about the treatments she's being given and no one knows how her body is going to handle them. Especially since she was already so sick before she even began them.

"How are the treatments going?" I ask without looking at him. Instead, I focus on observing those around me, trying to ground myself.

I'm trying to remind myself where I am and that I know Max and the others are watching the Pit and all of the initiates right now. It's pretty much a guarantee they are after that speech Oliver gave to all of us in the dorm.

It takes me a moment to realize he hasn't answered me and is frowning heavily. "Elijah?"

He sighs and looks up finally then shrugs. "There's no telling how she's going to feel from one day to the next with experimental treatments, Eric. We knew that going in."

"But are they working?" I narrow my eyes as I demand some kind of answer from him.

"They won't be doing another in-depth evaluation for at least another two weeks, so as far as we know she's the same as when you left." His words are hushed and strained.

I see the toll everything is taking on him. I know he's suffering too. I can see it in his eyes even with him working hard not to let too much come through so that I won't worry about him either. But again, that's not going to happen.

I do worry even with the resentment I feel towards him that he's there with Jules and I'm not.

"How are you doing, Eli?" I guess my tone and demeanor change take him by surprise because he blinks before smiling gently at me.

"I'm as well as can be expected, Eric. I stepped away from my practice so I can be with Jules and that's been good. Although she's complained about me hovering too much and that I need to find projects to keep me occupied."

My lips twisted in a small smile while I imagine how that would have played out. "Has she found you one?"

Eli nods, grinning. "Several. But she's currently obsessed with one after a visit to Amity for the last market they held there before the weather got too cool."

"What kind of project would she have found for you two in Amity?" I ask after trying to figure it out for myself.

Elijah might have thought he would go to Amity at one point in time but since making the decision to stay in Erudite he's dedicated himself to medical pursuits. Jules has always been torn between her love of gadgets and wanting to follow in Eli's shoes in some way. She's found a balance between the two with focusing on the research behind medical advancements.

I don't see anything in Amity fitting their intellectual pursuits and hobbies.

"To be honest, it wasn't the actual trip to Amity that gave her an idea for the project, but when I was last here. Or rather, the purpose of my last visit to Dauntless." The realization hits me and I groan while he smiles slightly at the sound before turning serious. "I haven't been able to check since I stepped away to be with Jules, I don't want to draw too much attention, but how is she doing?"

His eyes are scanning the area the entire time and I know who he's looking for. I also know he won't find her. I saw her slinking out of the dorm and followed until I made sure she made it to the parlor. I don't know what her story is with her family, but I know it can't have been good based on her reaction when visiting day was announced. I'm fairly certain she'll hole up in the parlor for the day like she usually does on days off.

"She's not here so you can stop looking for her, Eli," I mutter with a scowl while thinking. "She's still here so I guess that's better than anyone expected." He turns his eyes on me and calmly pierces me with them as he waits me out on my reluctance to talk about her at all. "She's doing good." I shrug and try to look casual.

"Is she having difficulties with her withdrawal?"

"It's not like I talk to her to know one way or the other, Eli. I'm staying away from her just like I promised." My brother's eyes are full of concern and a bit of pity, causing my jaw to snap shut and my teeth grind together. "Don't. Just…" I sigh and close my eyes, shaking my head. "Just tell me what you and Jules are up to now, okay?"

He sighs a little, chuckles, then nods and begins talking. He tells me that the visit to Amity was to visit the market for fruit and other items as well as to make contact with a few former Erudite that transferred there. The goal was to see if they had any information about Peace serum and the policy of using it within the faction. Basically, it was the start of doing recon and getting help to gather more information.

Jules has made it her personal mission to deal with Amity's use of the serum, like it was in Devi's case. I know that some of that is because Eli probably told her that I... _feel_...something for the former Amity. Of course, my brother isn't about to admit that he and Julietta have been gossiping behind my back. He knows what my reaction to that is likely to be. I can read between the lines though.

I don't know how I feel about any of that so I decide not to deal with it. Instead, I turn the conversation to another thing I know they are working on.

"How is the other project going? Have you made any progress on getting any contacts?"

By this time we are sitting in an area that I know there aren't cameras from my visits to control. We couldn't risk leaving the Pit area altogether because that would look suspicious but the area is isolated enough to give us privacy while still being in plain sight if anyone cares to pay attention to us.

"I've been able to get a few from Candor and Abnegation who are willing to keep eyes and ears on the goings-on. There might be someone in Amity I can get on board but it will be difficult. Another part of why we are focusing on that project for Amity is because we're looking for leverage if we need it. I was hoping that I could recruit Candice to help but I didn't get the chance to before I took time away from work. I think we need more people here in Dauntless though. Do you have any ideas?"

I nodded absently, deep in thought before I can answer. "I have a few but I want you to find out more about them before I make any attempt at contact. Candice is a good suggestion, you were right that she's not likely to ever side with Jeanine or anything to do with her."

Eli nods in agreement. "That's why she's here. It's supposed to be a punishment for her, being sent to Dauntless, along with the privileges of a Nurse Practitioner being revoked and stopping the advanced training she was getting to transition to doctor. So who are the other's you have in mind?"

"Amar, Tori, and Bud. Those three will work to start with."

* * *

"Your loss to Four is going to hurt you in the rankings. Not as much as it could have if you had any other losses but enough that it's going to knock you out of first place. You need to be prepared for that."

Amar's warning comes low and fast as he moves to inject my neck for the last sim session for the second stage. After today we move on to the final stage, my last chance to bring up my ranking points in some way or I won't get offered leadership, and then all our plans will be shot to hell.

Failure has never sat well with me. My sims have shown that it's one of the things I fear most. I wish fears were as easy to deal with in real life as they are for me in the sims.

What makes this worse for me is my failure isn't going to end in an internal fallout where I'm the only one who suffers. Jeanine is going to see to that.

That's the last thought I have before the serum takes me under and straight into a new fear, one that foreshadows everything that will happen if I fail.

* * *

We don't bury our dead in the city anymore.

Not since shortly after it was founded when the death toll each year was still pretty high. After the first cemetery was filled up, it was decided that everyone would be cremated after they pass but each faction has their own way of handling things after that.

They established methods to honor and remember their loved ones that would be ' _faction appropriate_ ' so that even in death they could contribute to the 'harmony of the city'.

Abnegation holds religious memorials with no pictures of the person who has died and no real mention of them as an individual. I'm told it's all more about what it is to be Abnegation and live in service of the city and their god. I've also heard that the most common thing for the family members to do after this is to personally take the belongings of the deceased to give away to the factionless and then spend the day in service and reflection.

Amity holds a releasing of the ashes ceremony followed by a day-long celebration of the ' _circle of life_ '. Ronin said that he's heard that it's also an unspoken part of the celebrations that people will go off and hook up as part of some belief that a new life should be created to truly honor the one that has passed on.

Candor holds a memorial honoring the person with people who are chosen to be given truth serum and then allowed to speak truthfully about the person who died. I can only guess what kind of a shit show that turns out to be. I'm not sure what they do after that.

Dauntless isn't much better than the others. Someone is picked to give a speech at the Chasm, with their ashes being released over it. Then their bravery is toasted and everyone descends into partying, not really honoring the person who died but the lives that are still there to be lived.

But Erudite… fuckin Erudite.

I stand staring at the glass wall inside the main lobby at the Erudite administration complex. A glass wall at least two stories high that is filled with tiny names electronically broadcast on its surface until I find what I'm looking for among them.

Julietta Ramirez.

That's it.

Just her fucking name on the glass. No date or any kind of details. She doesn't even have her own space but shares it with all the others who have and will die this year. Not to mention the name isn't even permanent, because Erudite believes that would be a waste of valuable space to provide information and knowledge to the faction.

This isn't even a memorial but rather part of a public record of those who have died along with births and other various census information that cycles through being displayed daily.

In Erudite, there are no memorials or speeches given. The body is cremated and the ashes are disposed of immediately after. They believe anything else is pointless and irrational.

It's never bothered me what cold emotionless bastards this faction can be as much as it does at this moment.

Jules is gone and I never got to say goodbye.

She and Elijah made sure of that by keeping from me that she never even started those treatments. She knew before I left that she wasn't going to even try to take them. She didn't go to visiting day because she couldn't by that point. She was bedridden and already entering the final stage. My brother didn't think it wise to tell me when he was there that day.

No, he thought it was better to tell me this four days after I finished initiation.

The day I was being given the leadership position after Four turned it down Jules was dying and I never even fucking had a clue. By the time Elijah came to Dauntless to tell me, she was already ash, and now there's not even anything for me to say my goodbyes to.

I don't know why I'm standing here staring at this fucking wall. I knew what I would find if I went looking and I promised myself that I wouldn't. I wouldn't even have set foot back in this sector if weren't part of my job now. There's nothing and no one here for me anymore.

Elijah stopped existing as my brother the moment he chose to let the person I love give up and die rather than fight. I cut my ties with my life here the moment my brother looked me in the eyes and told me he lied to me.

I knew what I would find if I went looking today when I came for this damn meeting with Jeanine.

Nothing.

Still here I am. Trying to find something to help soothe the pain I'm feeling and coming up empty. So maybe it's better that I did come looking. Seeing her name disappear and fade away right in front of my eyes has a numb and empty feeling slowly starting to replace the hurt.

That has to be better than the borderline homicidal state of mind I've been in for the past week since I found out she's gone. My mind starts to clear a bit and I know I'm going to need that for the next few hours. The wall starts to scroll through new information with no remaining reminders of my life here to distract me. I latch onto the hollow feeling that brings then I turn my back on the wall and walk away with my head held high.


End file.
